Thursday, October 11, 2007

worser and worser

sometimes I feel as if I'm clinging to sanity by my fingernails.

today I woke up really early from dreams of forbidden love in Imperial China--don;t ask me where THAT came from--and decided it would be easier to just get up than go back to the intricacies of secret meetings and stolen kisses....I thought I would be okay. But before an hour or two had passed I knew I wasn;t okay. It's the anxiety again. And the decision-making--or lack of the capability for decision making. Everything seems so overwhelming. Do I take a shower first or do Pilates first? Do I do Pilates at all? Do I do the Intermediate workout or stick to the beginners'? Do I get dressed? What do I wear? How do I wear it? Do these jeans still fit? Am I slowly losing weight or actually getting fatter? Can I do a radio show tonight?

The answer to that last question turned out to be "No," but it took a tearful ten minutes on the phone with my husband to determine this, at which time he ordered me to stay home and told me he'd take care of the matter. Once again, I feel like a goon for being so insane right now.

I just can't think of anything without all the thoughts piling up into a vast train wreck in my head and scaring me shitless. If it weren;t for the kittens I'd go totally round the bend, I know I would.

I think I need a nap.

1 comment:

Mao Mao said...

(((Grim)))

I think I would have been tempted to go back to sleep for episode two of 'Forbidden Love in China'

(did I ever tell you about the dream I had last week? I travelled back 100 years in time on a locomotive and had rampant you-know-what with a Lord....wish I hadn't woken up from THAT one, I can tell you!)

Kittens do help a lot, don't they?