Well, here I am.

I was NOT carted off to a mental hospital, obviously, eventhough I had fears of that from some of the thought processes I've been going through--thinking about hurting myself or the family pets, you know, stuff like that. Fears of having a psychotic episode and not being able to control my actions. My husband says call him if ever this were to happen, but would I even remember to call? I don;t know.

Anyway, I'm here at home at my own computer and the only things changed are my meds. Going off one by stages, increasing another---ya-HOO--and checking the blood levels on yet another.

What I'm in is called a mixed state, which means you have both signs of depression and mania--or in my case, hypomania, which is not quite full blown mania but characterised by irritability and restlessness, sound familiar? My doctor kept saying he couldn;t get a sense of my mood--well doc I can;t help you there because neither can I! What am I paying you for, anyway?

My doctor is an odd fish, really. He's nice but I don;t know what to think of him. Maybe BECAUSE he's nice I don;t know what to think of him; i'm so used to pdocs being kinda nasty. But he also is very much like a reflective surface, which I'm sure is intentional. He doesn;t say much or even suggest much. So I just sat in the big chair talking very fast and rocking back and forth. I wonder what he says to his secretary after his clients have gone. "Whoo boy, there's a live one!"? Or nothing? I'm sure he's seen much worse than me but I haven';t felt this bad in a long time. But I don;t feel depressed just bad. Maybe that's what he was looking for.

But I was talking about my doctor. I called my therapist after I got home and she was all, "So what do you feel now that you;ve had the appointment?" because I had told her I was terrified. And I really didn;t know. But in a way, I feel disappointed. I want some kind of reaction and my doctor, whose name I am intentionally leaving out of this as much as I can remember to do, doesn;t react. Not in gesture or word or anything. He's so calm it gives me the shivers. I imagine even if he had said, "well you're in for a nice stay with the men in the white coats" he would deliver the news in that same flattish tone. Or not flat, but kind. I almost feel like he's frustrated with me for some reason, but that's probably just my paranoia.

Anyway, I'm home, the appointment was no big deal really and I hope the med change works for me. 'Cause if it doesn't I don;t know what's going to happen to me I really don't.