It was beautiful this morning--one of those sunny fall days where the sky is the blue of glacial ice and there's just enough breeze to make the leaves on the trees rustle and spin on their way to the ground. (The breeze here has smelled strongly of Skunk all day, but never mind that). Now it's clouding over and there's supposed to be rain in the night. I don't mind. I like rain. I like most kinds of weather, except freezing cold and even that is okay if you know you're going home to a nice fire and a cup of cocoa.
I didn;t manage to get out in it--still suffering intense agoraphobia. I no longer think people are gooing to track me down and kill me--not so much--but I don;t want to go out of the house without a bodyguard, preferably armed. I did my Pilates instead and now I feel better about lots of things. Pilates always makes me feel like a dancer again. I surely miss my old dance classes and my dance teacher. I wonder where she is now. I wonder if she's still alive? I could google her, but I'm afraid of what I might find out. Like when I googled my old boyfriend and found his father's obituary: that was a shock.
Still missing my old friends. This time of year with all its reminders of school, both good and bad, really makes me want to find some of them. The irony is, I'm fairly sure the toxic bitch knows where at least some of them are and there's no way I can ask her. Shite, for all I know she's told them all what a psycho I am.
I don't think I'm a psycho. But then there's the little matter of how many friends I've "lost"--okay, let's be blunt and say "thrown out of my life." My therapist says I needed to do it in all the cases I've told her about...but I can't help but wonder if it's something wrong with ME, something I'm doing wrong that makes my relationships fall apart. Again, my therapist says we tend to attract to ourselves things that we've attracted before--so if you've been abused, you attract abusers, etc. And I guess I've never had a really normal friendship with anyone except maybe my husband.
I get so lonely sometimes, though.
La La La La...I don't really have anything to say and I didn't when I started writing this, which is why I started by talking about the weather. Still, I've been feeling the urge to write and this blog seems to be the only thing I can write with any consistency. There aren't any storied in me yet, but they'll come.
Michael told me the other day that Locked is excellent and should be required reading for anyone going into the field of psychotherapy. I'd like to work on that more but I don't know where it goes from the place I stopped. The problem is, my experience with the psych ward(s) doesn't have a nice happy contained ending. They just set me loose at some point and I spent the following 20 years clinging to life with my fingernails. I'd like to bring it around somehow to my diagnosis, but I think that would have to be in an epilog somewhere. Huh.
I forgot to eat lunch and now I'm hungry but it's too close to dinner to eat anything now...