Tuesday, October 9, 2007

How Are We Today?

It's hard to answer that question. It always has been hard, but it's harder to answer in a blog where potentially anyone iin the world could see the answer.

I feel very sad right now. Like my eyes are full of tears. I did cry a lot at my therapy appt. today. Sometimes things are just so painful. I feel like I'm full of pain that has to come out somehow but I'm so repressed that it won;t come.

I also feel full of rage. I feel like a boil about to pop or like the Yellowstone Super Volcano (due to erupt any time now, and the circle of destruction reaches somewhere down into New Mexico--bet you didn;t know that!) And this frightens me. Sometimes I have very destructive thoughts, sometimes self destructive. I don;t feel depressed, really. Except at night when I realise I've wasted away another day because nothing is interesting to me and the things that might be interesting I can't concentrate on for more than five minutes at a time. I've given up even trying to read, that's how bad it is. I may have written this same blog before for all I know; that's how bad my memory has become.

It frightens me all the more because I see my P-sychiatrist next week and I'm afraid if I tell him these things he will shut me away. ANd the worst thing, is, that doesn't sound too bad right now. If you've read the chapters of Locked on my web page, you'll get an idea just how bad I'm feeling just from that. It doesn't sound too bad to be shut away in a place that's safe, where they might do some testing on me and actually tell me what's going on in words that I can understand. I mean, Bipolar. What the hell does that mean about my feelings? PTSD? the same. I want to know...other things. I want test scores dammit. I was never good in classes that didn't have grades.

Talking to my therapist today, she told me that there is only one hospital in 3 counties that even HAS a Psych ward (I knew this) and that it doesn't matter how bad you are they only keep you for 72 hours (I didn;t know this). So actually I don;t think hospitalisation is a good option under those conditions. I mean, let a person loose just as she's getting into her process? I DON'T think so. So no, I;m not going to be hospitalised,

Sometimes I wish for it though.

I remember this feeling from high school: feeling like I was going to explode and wanting to be safe. Wanting other people to look out for me. Is that so bad a thing to want? All my upbringing says it is; I have to be able to take care of myself always. But the strain of that right now is so heavy. I feel...ruptured, Herniated. Like bits of myself are poking through and I'm afraid, so afraid all the time.

I;m not finished but this blog is done for the moment.

At least I have the kittens for comfort.

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