Saturday, May 3, 2008


I'm having a really bad day today. Feeling restless and all I can think about is food and cigarettes. I've put on 10 lbs in the last week. How is this possible? A friend told me I need to get back to my Pilates or go out and take a walk, and I know she's right but when I started the motions towards doing those things I had a total breakdown and ended up having to call M. at work to talk me through it. Now I feel that I am just hanging on by my fingernails.

Ten more minutes and I can eat. Ten more minutes and I can smoke if I really want to. My life has become boxed in these ten minute intervals and I can't get it out. I want to be healthy--I think I really do--and at the same time everything seems so overwhelming. I wish I lived in a bigger town so there was at least somewhere to go. I wish I lived in the back end of nowhere on an uninhabited road so I could go out in my own yard and no one would see me. Give me about 100 acres of my own and I would be happy. Give me enough money to get out of the financial pit we are in and I would be content.

I can't get out of this. Right now I wonder if it's even worth trying. All I can remember all my life is pain and more pain; why do I have any reason to think it can be any better than this? I keep thinking "I want to go home" and then I remember that I AM home and that scares the shite out of me. Is this all I get? This constant feeling of everything being worthless--of MY being worthless and life being pointless?

I'm tired of being cold, too. Where is spring, really?

Luna brought me two birds this morning.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Not all at Once...

Well, the answer to yesterday's question is, "No, not cold turkey."

I did manage to cut down a lot though--from about half a pack to only 3 cigarettes. I am trying to see this as a success and not a failure.

Today I got dressed and have not had a smoke yet. I am concentrating on changing my routine so it doesn't have smoking it it.

I know I should go out and get more exercise but right now I feel as if it is taking all my energy and will just not to climb the walls. Besides, it's cold. When will it not be cold??

Cat in my trash can.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Can I do This?

A couple weeks ago I decided that today, May first, Beltane, I would quit smoking.

The decision was a long time in coming; I had for months been increasingly disgusted with the...general squalor that goes along with the practice: the dirt ashtrays, the smelly house, the odor that clings to your clothes and gets in them no matter what. I became obsessed with whether I smelled bad. I think this started when I sent a friend in a different state some of the clothes I had grown out of and she told me she had to wash them first to get the smoke smell out. I had never considered that I smelled, even though I could at once recognise a place that allowed smoking or another smoker, as if by some sixth sense. I guess it's just the odor.

I also had been noticing that my voice was growing increasingly hoarse and rough. This troubles me as I have been working on my voice and becoming a better singer for so long and have tried to get back to it in recent weeks. I knew that the cigarettes couldn't possibly be helping this.

So one day, quite out of the blue (we were in the frozen foods aisle of the grocery store) I announced to my husband, "I think I'm going to quit smoking on Beltane."

And here is it, Beltane. It's 1:43 p.m. and I feel like I can't get dressed because I haven't had my first cigarette yet. My usual practice has been to cruise the internet for a while (I call this "maintaining my correspondence"), have breakfast and my pills, and then play a casual game while smoking my first one before getting dressed. I have not done the last step. So I feel my morning routine is unfinished. When I think of going on to something else I think, "I need that smoke before I can move on!"

I am chewing gum. It does not help.

As I look at it, so much has revolved around the next cigarette. "I'll do my Pilates and then have a cigarette." "I'll have lunch and then have a cigarette." "I'll go for a walk and then have a cigarette." It's like they've been my reward for doing difficult stuff and now I don't have anything to reward myself with. This sucks. If I had more money I would go out and get my eyebrows waxed or get a manicure or something. But I don't have any money at all.

It doesn't help that the weather today just plain sucks. It's supposed to be spring, for Gods' sakes! It is NOT supposed to be snowing.

So at this point...I don;t know if I can do this. But I am keeping up the fight so far.

It is now 1:51 p.m.