Existing

I'm having a really bad day today. Feeling restless and all I can think about is food and cigarettes. I've put on 10 lbs in the last week. How is this possible? A friend told me I need to get back to my Pilates or go out and take a walk, and I know she's right but when I started the motions towards doing those things I had a total breakdown and ended up having to call M. at work to talk me through it. Now I feel that I am just hanging on by my fingernails.

Ten more minutes and I can eat. Ten more minutes and I can smoke if I really want to. My life has become boxed in these ten minute intervals and I can't get it out. I want to be healthy--I think I really do--and at the same time everything seems so overwhelming. I wish I lived in a bigger town so there was at least somewhere to go. I wish I lived in the back end of nowhere on an uninhabited road so I could go out in my own yard and no one would see me. Give me about 100 acres of my own and I would be happy. Give me enough money to get out of the financial pit we are in and I would be content.

I can't get out of this. Right now I wonder if it's even worth trying. All I can remember all my life is pain and more pain; why do I have any reason to think it can be any better than this? I keep thinking "I want to go home" and then I remember that I AM home and that scares the shite out of me. Is this all I get? This constant feeling of everything being worthless--of MY being worthless and life being pointless?

I'm tired of being cold, too. Where is spring, really?

Luna brought me two birds this morning.