Monday, November 19, 2007

well, I think...

Oni has Ringworm (he's in my lap as I write this being really cute and making little squeaking noises and generally getting in the way). Which means giving another cat a bath--hooray! But I don;t know about treating him with the cream we used on Obi, 'cause the Ringworm is right up next to his eye and I don;t know if that would be safe...time to call the vet, I reckon.

I think I'm as well mentally as drugs can make me. I still am suffering intense anxiety, especially when it comes to Locked...I feel all the time as though I'm going to throw up. Especially at night when it seems that all the thoughts about it that have been building up during the day are trying to explode out the top of my head all at once. except they don;t take the form of real thoughts--that would be easier because then I could at least write them down. They are more feeling and bodily sensations: I feel sick; I feel I can;t breathe; I feel afraid; I get restless and bored and nothing makes sense to me and all in all I feel that I'm reliving those days in the hospital--experiencing them in a way that I never experienced them then because I was so divorced from my own experience.

So there's that. I feel anxious all the time, especially at night and I've been taking a lot of sleeping pills because of that, which I hate. I don't like the groggy feeling the next day, although they do take the rough edges off the corners of the morning and make it more bearable to get out of bed.

But I really think I;m as well as drugs can make me, unless my pdoc wants to prescribe me something that's really going to do something about the anxiety--like Valium or something, a sedative or a tranqulizer, which I doubt he would do and I probably wouldn;t like anyway.

I don't know why this anxiety is so tenacious. It hasn;t responded to any of the anti-anxiety drugs I've been on. The only time I haven;t felt anxious in as long as I can remember is last week, when I first had a cold and was too sick to feel anything at all and then when I had to get the shot of demerol for my headache. That helped the anxiety quite a lot. So I can see why people become narcotics addicts; if I had the opportunity I probably would too. Except I think that would probably be expensive and that would make me more anxious and it would just be a big self-perpetuating cycle.

I think I'm as well as drugs can make me and I have to just get through the rest of it. I hate that and it frightens me into lighting my first cigarette of the day.

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