Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Ruddy Psychiatrists

i just got back from my pdoc appointment. It was one of those that I came out of in tears. The first part wasn't so bad--I found out that the blood levels on one of my meds are half what they should be and so he upped my dosage from 1000mg to 1500mg--that might take care of a lot. But then I tried talking to him abut my anxiety.

I swear this guy just does not get it. I'm afraid to leave my house and all he can say is, "The only way to conquer fear is to just do it." here I am having dry heaves when I have to go to the grocer, or even when I make a shopping list and he says, "Just do it?" I mean, if I had a phobia of snakes would he suggest I adopt a tank of snakes and bring them into my house? That sounds really good--bring the source of your phobia right into your house with you. NOT.

And it makes me feel so weak and worthless to hear him say these things--like I;m just not trying hard enough to get better and if I really put my mind to it I could...just overcome all my fears and anxieties and be a better person, a normal person. I don;t agree with him on this one. He keeps saying, "Katherine, I don;t know what to tell you." Well, I don;t know what to tell him either if every time I try to describe my mental state to him he comes out with some BS like "Just do it." Just doing it can only go so far and it makes me worse, not better.

My therapist says that in cases of trauma this kind of desensitization exercise actually does more harm than good because it re-trigggers your trauma and makes you feel like it's happening all over again. I think my pdoc does not understand the PTSD aspects of my condition. Would he tell a Viet Nam vet to go back into the service? I DON'T think so. And that's what it's like for me every time I think about going out of the house--going back into the place that abused me, the place that gives me nightmares about being tortured in various ways. Am I really supposed to do that? Is that what I really need?

Now I'm crying and I've cried myself into a headache. I feel so damn worthless. I feel like I'm not doing it right and not trying hard enough and all those things are trauma triggers for me so this appt. was NOT a good thing to spend my Tuesday morning doing. I want to go shopping and make the pain go away for a little while. But all I can do is sit here and smoke and think about all the ways I'm fucked up.

That's all I can write right now.

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