Monday, November 26, 2007

I woke up this morning...

...and realised I'm really depressed again. Actually, "Realised" seems like too strong a word. It was just something I knew or recognised maybe, like you can have a cold for a long time and then one day it's gone and you don;t know how long it's been gone, you just suddenly recognise that you aren't hacking and coughing anymore. But the element of surprise wasn;t there. There was no element of anything. And maybe that's what made me realise--that word again--that I'm depressed. Because everything seems so flat and without character. Not just joyless, but without anything. I don;t feel bad, I don;t feel good. I don;t feel anything. But here it is after noon and I haven;t got dressed yet and I haven't done anything although there are things that need doing. Like I have to go Downtown and pay the water bill or or water is going to be shut off and I can;t give a shite. I can't give a shite that it's a beautiful day outside although I can see it; it means nothing to me. Nothing means anything to me. I have no grief, particularly. I have no wish to harm myself. I'd actually feel relief if I did because that would mean I felt something. I just don;t feel anything at all.

I see my pdoc next week and I probably should be glad about that but in fact I don;t really feel anything about that either, except the vague ... expectation that he'll say something dumb like, "well, you can;t be that way!" because often that's his response when I try to tell him what I';m feeling. And my inner response, though I never say so is, "Why not? why can't I be that way? Tell me that." And I don;t think he could come up with a good answer.

I feel like I probably should be crying but there is nothing left in me to cry. There's nothing in me at all.

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