Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I am writing this...

...more because I feel I should than because I have anything to say. I feel bad for not writing a blog yesterday. I didn't have anything to say then, either.

I have been tired all day. I got up, drank my coffee and cruised the net and went back to bed. It was one of those strange times when you don't think you're actually asleep--when you're sure you're just lying there aware of everything that's going on--but when you finally open your eyes, hours have passed. Anyway, I lay down at eleven and when I opened my eyes it was just after two. I guess I must have slept.

More coffee and back to the computer, and an hour later I felt just as tired as if I had not had a nap at all. I wonder if I'm sick. I remember feeling this way when I had mono. They say you can't get mono more than once but I've had it twice and I suppose I could have it again. I don't feel sick otherwise, just bone tired.

I suppose it could be the stress. Our financial situation is dire; I had to choose between paying the mortgage and paying our utilities. I chose the mortgage. So at least we'll have a roof over our heads even if we have no light or heat or running water...

I am also at a very low level of functioning, per my therapist. Each day is a harder struggle. I only get dressed half the time, and then only when I have to. My therapist is talking hospitalization. My psychiatrist isn't talking. I don't know what I think. I don't want to be hospitalized again--those times when I was a teenager are plenty for me. But if it could teach me a new way to be...to live my life. To get dressed despite the fact that all my friends are on the internet and I don't have any will to go out of the house. To exercise again. To dance in the aisles of the supermarket the way I used to before I became so depressed. It might be worth it. It might be worth it to go to group activities with other people like me and hear their stories. It might be worth it just to get me out of the house and break my stagnant routine. I don't know. I guess the question is kind of irrelevant anyway because of our bad financial situation. Even if I could get a bed in an inpatient program or get a place in an outpatient one, provided I could even find one of those in our small, rural community, we couldn't pay for it.

I can't even remember if I wrote all this in another blog or not.

Anyway, that's where I am. Here's a blog for today. That's all I set out to do and I did it.

Now if I could only get dressed and brush my teeth...

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