I think

...I think I just finished Locked. It came on me very suddenly; I was just working on the final chapter and I wrote a sentence and all of a sudden it hit me that there was no more to say. It was like when you're shuffling a Tarot deck and all of a sudden you just know you're done. Maybe you've never had that experience but I have...or maybe like looking for a perfect spot to have a picnic and all of a sudden you just stumble on it. I've never had that experience, but maybe you have!

I am elated and terrified all at once. Elated that it's done; it's over. terrified by so many things. The emptiness that comes after a project is finished once the elation has worn off--yes, that. And the prospect of publishing: definitely that. I wonder now if I should even do it. I feel I cannot risk, just CANNOT risk my mother seeing it. I care about her reaction because she still has the power to hurt me. The rest of the family, well, I couldn't give two shites about whether they see it or not. But my mother, no. It would probably bring on another heart attack and kill her or something and then that would be my fault as well as everything else.

I would not be so worried about this had I not found out that my sister actually gave my mother a copy of Dragons of the Mind, which I had not intended her to see until I was ready. I only decided I was ready this last October and what do I hear back? "Oh yes, I've read it; Barb gave me a copy." Way to go, sis. Knowing Barb I have to wonder if she had some hidden agenda in that. I mention my dysfunctional family in one story. I wonder if Barb meant my mom to pick up on that. Or I don't know--maybe she was just trying to be nice and say, "Look what Kele's done." It could just as easily be that, I suppose, though my natural inclination towards paranoia where my family is concerned says otherwise.

Anyway, Locked...I think the acctual writing is finished. Now comes the (hopefully minimal but no less arduous) task of rereading it and making sure it all makes sense and all the characters have consistent names and whatnot. I don't know if it really makes any kind of sense or has any value other than being a kind of cathartic experiment for me. But anyway, I'll have some time yet before publication. Time to decide what to do. Whether publishing is even a good idea.

I have to admit, I have a fantasy about a real publisher picking it up and selling the movie rights for loads of money. I mean, it worked for Girl, Interrupted. Why not for me? :lol:

Smoking way too much today...

PS--Happy Birthday Noel, wherever you are!