Wednesday, December 12, 2007

In Between

I had a pretty boring day today. No psychosis, probably due to the fact that I've been shutting the cats out of the bedroom in the morning and thus been able to get beter sleep. I did have a bit of a migraine, but not too bad a one.

Mostly I'm in this in-between place. Which I hate. I'm in between with my writing. Locked is as finished as I can make it for now--I'm waiting for copy editing and other feedback before I submit it to my POD. I don;t really feel finished with it...or I am finished with it, but I don;t really feel done with that world, that space, so I can;t go on to another. This leaves me a lot of free time. But I'm in between with my depression too, so there's nothing to go in that free time, really. And right at the moment I'm in between with everything because I need to eat something with my night meds but I can't yet because I have to have a 12-hour blood draw tomorrow and the clinic doesn;t open until nine-thirty. Thus, I can't eat anything until nine-thirty, which is still more than half an hour away.

Waiting. I hate waiting. M. said last night that my life must be like always waiting for an appointment you don;t really want to keep and it is like that. Waiting to accomplish. Waiting to "get better." Waiting for the Solstice to come. Waiting for Christmas. Waiting many things I get tired of listing them here. Waiting for the kittens to stop being total spazzes. Waiting for money to drop on me from the sky. Waiting to find out what's going on with The Unquiet Grave. Or so I really want to know that? Sometimes I imagine that I'll get THE phone call saying the publisher I sent it to is interested, at least in seeing the rest of the manuscript. That would be enough for now, I think, even if they didn;t eventually buy it. Sometimes I imagine the letter in the envelope I addressed to myself saying, "No thanks."

I'm writing this to fill up some of the time but i don;t really have anything to say. I never really feel that I have anything to say. Bad for a writer, I know.

Waiting in the in between place.

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