Monday, December 10, 2007

Psychotic Reaction?

So I've been taking this new med, Lamictal, three days. Only every other day, mind, because they break you in on this one very slowly to avoid strange physical reactions that are possible. but what about mental reactions? I ask myself. Because I feel almost psychotically angry this morning. It really didn't help that two of the kittens started in on me at 6 am--okay, that's always annoying, but I'm seriously thinking about killing them to make them stop and let me have some peace and quiet; that's not normal. No, that's not quite right. I'm not thinking about killing them so much as I'm worried that I'll lose control and just hurl one into a wall because I'm so angry.

This is troubling. Fortunately they have calmed down at the moment and are not tearing around the house, getting in my way as I type this, licking my eyelids with little sandpaper tongues drooling in my ear, or doing any of the other things they do to annoy me at early hours of the mornings. They're not even breaking anything at the moment. So I;m given some space to breathe and hopefully I will calm down. Maybe I'll be able to take a nap this afternoon.

But it makes me wonder: at what point do I call my doctor and say, "um, is this possibly a reaction to this medication?" I mean, obviously I want to do that before I actually have a psychotic reaction or something. But if breathing and a bath and a nap are enough, maybe I don;t need to bother him.

"Oh you're a Stoic," he said at one of our first meetings, and I guess I am, but not...It's funny to me that a Dr.'s job is to be bothered by people and I always feel so wrong for bothering them with stuff. Stuff about me. When M. had to go to the hospital I had no problem with it. But when it's me I can't make the decision for myself. I know I'm on some pretty heavy duty medications and I need to keep an eye on them and notify my Dr. if things get hairy-scary but it's still so hard. I feel like I'm just nothing, unimportant--like I said, like I shouldn't bother people with my stuff.

So maybe that's not Stoicism. Maybe that's just neurosis. Maybe Stoicism is a neurosis. I wonder how many philosophies came out of Neuroses? I'm convinced that at least half of Buddhism did. Siddhartha comes out of his palace where he's lived a very sheltered life and finally sees the world and all its grit and of course decides that "All life is suffering." Blow me.

I'm having a cigarette now and talking philosophy so I must be calming down a little. But I think no more coffee for me for a long while. Maybe a nice cup of Chamomile tea....

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