Sunday, December 23, 2007

Morbid Thoughts

A friend of mine had to have his cat put to sleep yesterday. Another started a thread on my fave forum about remembering those who have left us in this last year. And I suppose it's not unreasonable to be having these thoughts as the old year dies (whenever you celebrate that fact) and the new year comes in.

So I've been thinking a lot about death--my own and death in general. Well, to be perfectly honest, I think about my own death a lot. I'm terrified of it. Actually, a strange mixture of terrified of it and attracted to the idea, like looking over the edge of a tall building and feeling an overwhelming urge to jump.

I did not used to be terrified of death. I was scared of the thoughts that drove me towards bringing my own about sometimes, but the thought of death never scared me until I had a really bad acid trip and nearly died. And I suppose I had an out of body experience then, but instead of its being really full of light and love and all that crap that it's supposed to have, it was nasty. So I've been terrified of my own death ever since although sometimes I crave it.

I can;t stand the idea of me not being in some form. I can;t conceive of it. I don;t think any human can conceive of it, which is why we make up glorious stories about whatever afterlife seems best to us and go with that when we get too scared. But I don;t know what I believe anymore. I was brought up Christian, but I never believed in that much; it's hard to when your father is the minister and you know all the tricks behind the curtain, so to speak. I went through a brief period of devout Hinduism. I am now nominally Wiccan, so I should believe in some form of reincarnation. I guess I do. It makes sense. Energy is conserved somehow. It has to be; this is a natural law, isn;t it?

But then I think, if there is reincarnation then it has to apply to everything. We can't be egotistical to the point of just applying it to human beings. Every spider and every bird, every blade of grass even, must reincarnate. And how is that possible? Maybe if you equate humans with blades of grass...or maybe as humans increase certain species die out and that explains a lot of mass extinctions...I just don;t know. I can't wrap my mind around it.

One time, shortly after my last miscarriage, I saw my cat eat a spider. And the spider was there and living one moment, gone the next. The sight revolted me so much I had to throw up. It still disturbs me that life and death can be so narrowly entwined--living in one moment, dying in the next. Maybe that's what frightens me most: the thought that I am not ready and I may never be ready: that death may come suddenly from some unknown source and I will not have time to prepare.

I know this is why a lot of people turn to religion. It helps them prepare somehow. It does not do that for me.

I am home alone and writing this is freaking me out to the point that I think I have to stop or move on. Whatever. I can;t make sense of it and I can;t know anything about it and that naturally triggers me.

I guess I just have to live with that, as I have to live with so much else.

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