Falling

Falling apart: that's what I feel like. I just realised (at twenty after two) that I totally spaced taking my morning meds. Then I freaked, wondering if it was okay to take them now. I finally decided it was and I took them and now my stomach hurts really badly.

Can't sit still can;t concentrate can;t get dressed can;t get out of bed can't go anywhere can't seem to avoid hitting the semi-colon when I mean to hit the apostraphe...I don;t know how I feel except I feel that I'm slipping again. Slipping into a darkness.

There was a time once when I was so depressed all I did was sleep. I took one sleeping pill after another, everytime I woke up I just took one. I think I stayed asleep for three days that way. I wonder if I'm heading that direction now?

But I don;t feel the crushing weight of depression. This restlessness is foreign to me and I want it to go away.

It would be okay if I could actually DO anything but I can't....I can't concentrate on anything for more than about five minutes at a time. I have the first bits of She Moved Through the Fair going through my head over and over like a mantra and I can;t seem to sit still long enough to write them down. I'm afraid if I start writing I won't be able to stop and though that would actually be a good thing it terrifies me. What is that about?

Why did that last paragraph refuse to turn the right colour?????

More than anything this sense of falling all the time.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in October and I'm so afraid he's going to stick me in the hospital. II've managed to avoid that for over 20 years and I don't want to go back. We can;t afford it; we have no insurance. If we did it wouldn;t be so bad, I suppose. At least something familiar in this weirdness.

Where's my coffee?