Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Validation from an Unsolicited Source is Good.

I can't stop grinning, though I know it's probably bad of me. Slap my hand.

M. just got back from a run to the store. There he happened to run into one of the primary members of the last band the Toxic One was in. Very carefully (in his opinion, and he can be careful in these matters) he steered the conversation to the band's current lineup. And from there the subject just happened to flow to the Toxic One herself. Well, this band mate said about the T.O., "That woman is a powerful force for evil." Heh Heh. It seems they experienced everything that we did. The hostility on stage. The antagonism towards all the women and the schmoozing to the men. The lack of talent and lack of follow through on the work. Finally, they did what I should have done and fired her. Good for them!! R & H, you're invited to dinner any time.

My therapist is right: the Toxic One is burning her bridges. Maybe someday soon she'll see that she's burnt them all and get the hint that she needs to go somewhere else. Somewhere that people aren't all nursing vivid fantasies of choking the life out of her.

At the same time I feel that it's sad. Because even way back when we were still in BSS together, she said that all the projects she's been in have turned out the same and she didn't want that to happen again. But she won't see that she's bringing it upon herself with her behaviour. And that she needs to change if she wants her life to turn out any differently.

I told her in the letter I sent her (being too cowardly to say it to her face, mea culpa) that before I could even consider having her in my life again I needed 1. a serious apology for the way she had treated me and 2. for her to get some intensive therapy. I have never received the first and I have serious doubts as to whether she will ever go for the second. No, not doubts: I KNOW she will never go for the second. She's locked herself into a life path that works for her in some strange way and though it causes pain and grief to everyone around her she doesn't care to change it. And the worst of it is that she doesn't seem to care, as long as she can keep going on the way she is. She's rather have the things around her shatter and die and then move on to the next unsuspecting thing than take a good hard loook at herself. She's an elephant in a china shop. Just unaware. I think she could be aware, but it would be painful and everything in her life is focused towards avoiding pain and discomfort.

Still, though I feel it's sad, I can't bring myself to feel pity for her or to forgive. Maybe that hurts me more than anyone. I don't know. All I know is it's been six years since I broke up BSS by pulling out of it and I am just now to the point where I can begin to look forward to playing music again without intensely painful memories stopping me from it. Taken with the four years the band was actually active, that's nearly ten years that my life was given over to the T.O. and her tricks. I'll never get those years back, but now I'm beginning to be able to go on.

R & H are lucky. They had a band before the T.O. came into their lives and they did the right thing by firing her and hiring someone else (I'm a little ashamed to admit that when I found this out I was envious; I wished I was the kind of person people thought of when hiring new bandmates, but oh well). So they have something still and I hope that they won't let their experience taint their appreciation and playing of music the way I let it taint mine.

Lastly, I want to thank H. for spilling to M. there in the grocery store. I know you try to be diplomatic and I know the reasons for it, but sometimes you just gotta. And it's helped me a lot today to hear your views, even if they come second hand.

Now I have to run and get the chili on...

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