Not Asleep

It's 2 a.m. on Saturday morning and I am writing this blog because I am not asleep.

I tried going to bed a couple hours ago, but couldn't get into dreamland...too much coffee after a very nice dinner out, I guess. I thought about reading Watchmen, but I am too tired to do that. I'm tired of playing stupid computer games, hoping they will bore me into a stupor deep enough I can go to sleep. I can;t practice my flute because M. is asleep. So here I am with nothing really to say except that I am not sleeping. Worrying about money. Worrying (a little) about the fact that I wrote H. an e-mail today thanking her for the validation she gave to me through her spilling her experience with the T.O....a conversation I am not at all sure actually happened at this point. Worrying what I will do if she contacts me and wants to come over to my messy, smelly house to talk. Will I clean? Will I be able to do that?

My cigarette won't stay lit and the demon children are messing about in the kitchen cupboards again.

I ate myself into pain at the re-opening of our favourite in-town restaurant today, so why am I thinking about Chinese food? Oh I know: because I have been thinking about the possibility of having people to dinner again after all these years of not socializing at all. And now I have begun to wonder if it might be better to start slow, with a dinner out on neutral turf. Hence the Chinese food. Everyone likes Chinese food, don't they? Or Mexican.

I have smoked way too much the past few days. Need to quit. Could I do it soon or should I wait until spring when kicking M. out of the house to smoke would be more humane? The weather here is pretty wretched. Though today was a nice day; I got away with wearing a dress and my leather coat when we went to the big city and when we went out to dinner. By the time we were through with dinner it was freezing though.

I am tired of my hair being grey and my eyebrows needing waxed. But my disability lawyer says it would not be good to go to my hearing looking as if I have just come from a salon, so I haven't had anything done about them in a year. It would help me immensely if I had any idea whatsoever WHEN this mythical hearing was actually going to take place, but still no word on that.

Bleah. I am beginning to see double so I think I'll try this bed thing again...