Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Still Sweating

So, I was sitting at the table, innocently eating my breakfast when I got a moment of HORRIBLE pain in my calf--the kind of pain where you break out into a sweat all over your body and your heart starts racing and you feel like yo can't breathe. It was just a moment, but I was convinced in that moment that I was going to die. From a pain in my calf. In fact, I'm still not sure that it wasn't a harbinger of some deeper issue or problem. Hence the "Still Sweating" title of this post.

Pains like that always set off terrible anxiety attacks for me and that's another reason I'm convinced I'm sitting here waiting to die and M. will come home to find me slumped over the computer, my lifeless hands making senseless words on the keys. Put like that it sounds almost funny, but the experience is anything but. Imagine living your life in constant terror. That's what my life is like. Every day some little twitch or random neurological impulse sets me off. It totally incapacitates me for the rest of the day. I did manage to get dressed--in case I needed to call 911, for heaven's sake; I didn't want the EMTs to find me still in a state of dishabille at 12:30 in the afternoon. Funny how you can be concerned about stuff like that when you think you're about to die.

The pain is gone but the anxiety is not. I am trying to drink a cup of tea and calm down but the chamomile is not helping much; I feel like I'm going to choke on every swallow.

I hate this. I hate not having a life because I feel like I have constantly to be on guard against my own body. I hate that your body can do things to you that you can't control. I think this mainly goes back to the two miscarriages I suffered several years ago; I don't remember it being so bad before that. But those two experiences--body out of control when it should by all rights be having a normal pregnancy--just made me realise how iffy life is: how you just don't know what's going to happen or when. Another part of my trauma, I guess.

I was going to do things today. I was at least going to do my Pilates workout and wash my hair but those plans are shot for the moment. I will have to put them off until tomorrow, again. I hate that too.

Maybe I can get it together enough to brush my teeth, at least. That's how bad I feel: that even something so simple is beyond me.

My hands are very cold. Cold sweat. Slipping on the keys.


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