Friday, April 11, 2008

Is it in the stars?

What is it with relationships these days? In the last few weeks I've found out than no fewer than three of my friends are having serious relationship troubles with relationships they've been in for many years. One is in the process of getting a divorce, another is almost certainly going to and the third is in limbo.

It makes me afraid. My hands sweat. Not that I think anything is going to happen to my marriage. But you can never know, can you? People change. What they want and what they feel changes.

I know I'm not an easy person to live with. And we married for better or worse, richer or poorer (poorer is what's happening right now). But do people really take those vows seriously?

I think of my mom and dad, who were married for over 50 years. I know they weren't happy some of the time--my mom wasn't happy with my dad, at least; I don't know about him. But it would never have occurred to them to end the marriage. They married "'til death do us part," and they meant it.

My husband and I married in an unusual ritual but it still meant forever to us. It still means forever to us as far as I know. I asked him the other day, in light of all these break-ups, if he would ever consider breaking up and he said no, he was in the journey wherever it might take us. And I am too. That's a comfort, I suppose. Because I really don't know if I could survive on my own, without him. Is that love or just necessity?

My brain feels clogged right now. I find it hard to write about anything, much less this. I think it's partly the pills; I'm on an enormous amount of medication for my various conditions and I don't like it. I miss the feeling of clarity I used to get, when everything just seemed to flow from my fingertips to the keyboard without even going through my brain. Now my brain is stuck in this smothered place, like it's all covered with a heavy layer of damp wool. Warmish but not comfortable.

I am writing this mainly because I have not written a blog in so long and I have not written because I have had nothing to say. Nothing is interesting to me; it's all the same. I thought that trying to write about my friends' relationship troubles and going somewhere from there would work for me but all I've done is come back to the same old place: I'm stuck here. I don't really feel any emotions, good or bad. Just a mild, "oh," at every new piece of information.

It's snowing outside and the snow is in my brain as well.

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