Monday, August 27, 2007

grey and gunky day

so today is one of those days when it can't decide whether it's going to rain or just threaten to rain. I tried to go for a walk and the sky started spitting down on me, which of course gave me the perfect excuse to come back home after about a block, which I wanted to do anyway. Now I'm sitting here smoking, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day, if not the rest of my life.

There's this woman in town. I used to know her very well, in fact we were close friends for 25 years. But some BAD STUFF happened and my therapist told me, "This person is toxic to you; break off contact." My therapist, BTW, usually doesn't go around telling people what to do.

So I did break off contact--not without regrets. I really wish the BAD STUFFF hadn't happened. I really wish I could have made it better. But she wasn't going to change and in fact seemed bent on sabotaging the projects we were involoved in together. Well, you've probably heard it all before. The point is, I have many regrets and think of her often and wish it could have been different.

Well this woman has lost an AWFUL LOT of weight. She claims she did it all through Weight Watchers. But man, if she's going to meetings someone ought to tell her to stop. She looks like the walking dead. And having some experience with anorexia myself, I wonder what I should do... My first thought is she's got anorexia; my second thought is she's on speed and my third and distant thought is that she's ill. I really want to go to one of her associates and ask, "Have you mentioned this weight thing to her? because people around town are talking." But if she's ill that would be really tactless and I'd feel like shit. On the other hand if she's in a place where she needs an intervention.... I'd feel bad for not speaking up. I know when I was anorexic no one tried to talk to me and I felt such contempt for them. This woman, in fact, told me when I weighted like 85 lbs that I looked great and I couldn;t believe it. I knew I didn;t look great. I knew I lookekd like hell.

I wonder if she knows she looks like hell. From what I've heard, she doesn't... It's a problem having compassion for people you don;t associate with and don;t really like. What do you do?

It's still not really raining. But I don't feel like doing much. Does that make me a bad and worthless person? Or just human? I don;t have to be superhuman, but I have problems knowing the difference sometimes.

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