Blues

I was doing so well. Okay, for a week I was doing well. My therapist and I had set up a plan for me to follow, so I could get a little done every day without feeling too overwhelmed. And I was actually able to stick to it. For, as I said, about a week.

Then came the holidays. With their frantic preparations--yes, even in this economically distressed time we had some preparations--and their manic cooking sprees and building of gingerbread houses and what have you. And I got off track.

And now I find myself stuck again. Mired. Swamped.

And on top of it, a bad case of the post holiday blues. Some bad things happened--our refrigerator died, for one thing. And though M.'s parents were kind enough and generous enough to take us to Sears and buy us a new one, well, I can't get over the fact that all these disasters seem to keep hitting us below the belt. (I also feel so guilty that we keep needing them to support us and we can't do it ourselves, but truly M. has looked everywhere for work and there is none to be found. Really none.)

And we had no money to buy gifts for one another let alone anyone else. we couldn't even send cards.

I don't care about receiving gifts so much, but giving them means a lot to me.

And we are seriously overdrawn at the bank and all our bills are coming in and I haven't paid my psychiatrist in goddess knows how long...I can't take the stress of having no money much longer. In fact, I had a total breakdown in M.s lap the other night--not just about money, but about everything. I'm tired. I'm tired of following this stupid diet but being too afraid of being fat to go off of it. I'm tired of being hungry all the time. I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of being depressed. So many things. Tired of being stressed. Tired of being tired.

I say I can't take the stress of having no money much longer but what am I supposed to do about it? i wish I could just break into a million tiny pieces. But I've never been any good at that--always too controlled--and now the meds make it damn near impossible. No: really impossible. Even when I was having my total breakdown the other night I couldn't really cry. I hate that.

Everything is going to hell in a handbasket. And I can't cry.

Oh, feck this.

8 Days of Happiness--Day 8

On this last day of this meme, I can't really think of anything to be happy about except that it is over! Most days it's been very difficult for me to think off things to be happy about and I've had to scrape and scrounge in my mind for them--which I guess might be the point. That you can come up with things to be happy about even when you're not feeling insanely happy about anything.

I suppose I should be happy that tomorrow is Yule, a festive occasion. But it seems so bleak this year, with the inability to give gifts to the people we love. At least we'll have our goose dinner. I guess I'm happy about that. I always look forward to it, at any rate.

But there's so much work to do and I am feeling overwhelmed right now, so much so that I'm already having an anxiety attack although I haven't done anything yet.

Oh, M. thought this morning that our fridge had died overnight and it hadn't, so I'm VERY happy about that. With everything else, replacing a refrigerator would be impossible at the moment.

I'm happy for relative health and the friends I've met and got back into contact with on the internet. It's nice in this holiday season to receive cards from them, even if I can't afford to send any in return.

I'm happy that today I don't seem to have a migraine although the weather is closing in. We'll see how that proceeds.

I guess I do have a few things to be happy about, even though I couldn't think of any at first. Now to get on with my day...

8 Days of Happiness--Day 7

I have a migraine today. It's hard to think of anything to be happy about when I have a migraine, but I'm going to try.

First of all, it could be worse. I used to get the kind of migraines that made me puke uncontrollably, but I haven't had one of those in a couple of years, thank the gods. Second, I used to get these every other week or so, with the kind of pain that lasted for days. For weeks in a month I was virtually incapacitated with pain. But since starting taking Depakote for my Bipolar, I haven't had nearly as many migraines. I found out later that neurologists often use Depakote to treat migraines and it seems to be working in my case. Third, the sun is out. This may mean that the storm front that was causing the migraine to begin with is passing and with it my pain will pass soon.

So, all things considered I'm not as bad off as I could be and that's good enough for me.

8 Days of happiness--Day 6

It took me a long time to find anything to be happy about today. I felt really crumbossa all day, in fact. But now I am home from my radio show and I'm happy that I got through it. It wasn't even as hard as last week's show and I did a good job. Now I'm happy because I'm home in my jammies again and I have nothing to do until tomorrow, when we have tentative plans to do some holiday decorating and cleaning. I think that will make me feel good.

8 Days of Happiness--Day 6

Today I am happy because I don't really have to do anything today, except play a game that M. and I started last night. I'm also happy because I had putting off playing this game for a long time for fear I wouldn't enjoy it, but I'm enjoying it quite a lot.

Too, M.'s meeting with a client about work, which means we money coming in soon. Phew!

Lastly, M. got his Praxis scores back and he passed everything. So I'm happy because he'll no longer be stressed about that.

Now, if only my computer keyboard would stop acting up...

8 Days of Happiness--Day 5

Today I am happy because I had a productive therapy appointment and I didn't even cry too much.

Also, it snowed more during the night! Happy Winter, all.

8 Days of Happiness--Day 4

Today I am happy because last night it looked like we weren't going to be able to go to the movie after all because the car door wouldn't shut. We could have walked, I suppose, but it was freezing cold and icy and we were running late. Anyway, M. managed to fix the problem with a little WD-40 and so we got to go after all! The movie (Twilight) wasn't great--okay, but of course the book is always better. But I was proud of myself for going out at all. It's been a long time since we've seen a movie in a theatre.

I'm also happy because I got about 12 hours of sleep.