Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I'm Tired of "The Journey"

The next time someone tells me to "enjoy The Journey," I'm going to slap him upside the head.  Or puke on his shoes.

I get that this might be a valuable piece of advice for Type-A persons who are entirely goal-oriented.  I'm not one of them.

And right now I need--have needed for several months, in fact--some result.  You see, my whole life has been about process.  About "The Journey."  And it seems to me right now that "enjoying The Journey" is a super lame substitute for accomplishing something real.  "Enjoy the Journey" is something that people who have never had a problem getting what they want tell those of us who haven't been able to, so they don't have to feel bad.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of constant travel without arrival.  I'm tired of constant process without meaningful achievement.  I'm tired of being always in a state of flux, always changing to suit the environment.  For me, it's been a survival skill.  I've had to develop the ability to let go of dreams, goals, attitudes and ideas at a moment's notice to keep from getting bullied and abused.  Okay, yeah: I'm glad I have an open mind.  That's a good thing.  But I want solidity.

Sometimes I envy people who have that kind of grasp on life, some firm idea of what's right and what's wrong (whether or not I agree with them).  Some solid concept of self.  I don't have any of that.

I'm tired of going without stopping, of doing without realising any benefit.  Of not even daring to hope for benefit because I just never get what I want.  I'm tired of feeling like I have to say, "I eat right and exercise because it helps my overall health," instead of being able to say I'd like to achieve a body weight and image I can live with without self-disgust.  Because I never seem to be able to achieve that.  I'm tired of trying to do creative things "for the joy of it," instead of admitting that I want a success I've never found.

I want things.  I want a stopping place.  I want a reward.

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